My journey towards being more mindful and centered has glimpses of moments of peace, but they do not come easily. This morning I struggled with my mediation practice. I set my timer for 20 minutes, and when it went off, I realized that I had spent more that half of that precious time fighting to let go of my thoughts, over and over and over again. Out of the full 20 minutes, I might have achieved a total of 5 minutes of true, centered silence.
I know this is a journey and it takes work and commitment. I know that I am supposed to be non judgemental of my process, and allow it to grow with time and practice. Yet still, I hear the thoughts in my head saying “you should be better at this by now, who are you to think you can meditate? What are you trying to prove?”
My thoughts are so mean! Bingo! There is the problem. MY THOUGHTS. That is what this is all about, being able to be the “watcher of my thoughts” and find ways to accept them without judgement, watch them “float by” and bring my awareness back to the moment, back to the breath. And I did, momentarily, until the ugliness of my words (yeah, no judgment here) floated right back into my head, loud and clear.
So, this practice goes on, and I fight to be in the state of centered awareness, which when I do experience it, even briefly, is absolutely amazing.
Even as I write this I know it should not be a fight. The word itself takes away the peace I seek in this process. But it most definitely is work. It takes dedication, commitment and practice. And like anything good that we set out to do for ourselves in the way of self growth, this place of peace that I seek to develop is absolutely worth fighting for.
And so now, another moment presents itself, and I breathe.